In all my years, I have struggled with a variety of things simply due to my personality type. When I didn’t know about the personality type, it was even more difficult. Regardless of all of my knowledge, life experience, lessons, mistakes and triumphs, there has been one consistent factor that has been the cause of exhaustion, distance, resistance and increasing solitude. That one thing, is other people in general.
When an INTJ woman involves herself with someone new, the more experienced of us already know that we are going to take on months, or perhaps years of proving that we are not what a majority of women are. We have to prove that we are not putting on a show of rationality and level-headedness for the sake of securing a relationship and provider. We have to prove that we are not wearing a mask and are eventually going to turn into the emotional freakshow and real person we most certainly are, because that has been 100% of their past relationship experience. We have to prove that we are actually who we appear to be, because almost anyone else hides their reality to display only the best of themselves. Taking this on, and knowing that it is something we have to take on for every new relationship, whether it be professional, romantic or otherwise, is absolutely exhausting. This is the hardest thing about being an INTJ woman, and is this is the cause of our struggles in many other aspects of our lives.
It is not the fault of the new acquaintance that we have to go through this exhausting ritual. Almost everyone, including us INTJs have witnessed a majority, if not all of our prior acquaintance wearing a mask of false dignity. So many women feel so entitled to attention, that they will pose themselves as anything to achieve it, so when an INTJ woman waltzes into the life of some unsuspecting skeptic, it is immediately assumed that we are wearing that same mask, and that we will eventually show our true colors, just as everyone else does.
Eventually, they realize that these colors never fly and then they start getting a bit crazy. The following is a commentary of assumed thoughts that run through the partner’s head. This one being a man:
“The colors have to fly sometime, so now I am going to push her to her limits because I need to see the freakshow. If the freakshow doesn’t happen, then she obviously doesn’t care. She cannot possibly be this cool and rational all the time; that is just not human. Now I need to push all of her buttons so I can see the emotional outburst that I expect. She is eventually going to walk all over me, demand everything of me and take what she wants because she is a woman, and that is what they are supposed to do. I am supposed to feel trapped, insignificant and I am certainly not allowed to carry a pair of balls. She has to be thinking or doing something really bad to be this cool for so long.”
I have found that the only thing that cures this line of thinking is time. An ungodly, excruciatingly exhausting length of time being pushed to our emotional limits, living under a veil of assumption and being perceived as something we have never been and never will be. In most cases, I haven’t made it and am typically gone long before that even has a chance of reaching fruition. It is way too long and hard of a road to travel on if the other party is not 100% worth the patience it takes to endure it. The worst part about it all, is that it all happens for no real reason. We personally did nothing to deserve it, and yet we always have to choose to endure it because of the paths, histories and behaviors of 99% of other people.
I am certain that this is one of the main reasons we don’t allow many people in our lives. Any new acquaintance has to reach this realization, as well as enduring our other qualities that make relationships difficult. As we mature, we become ridiculously picky about who we allow into our lives, because it is not as easy as it should be.
Also published on Medium.