As 2017 ends, I once again find my inbox sprinkled with messages relating to a breakup with an INTJ. The irony is that I don’t think I have received a single one of these messages from INTJs themselves, only the blind-sided partner that has come to realize that their INTJ is officially moving on.
Some of the questions I receive are along the lines of:
* How can they be so cold?
* How can they just walk away so easily?
* Do they even care?
You get the idea. Why? Because we have all heard these same questions. We have heard these in nearly every breakup or divorce we have initiated or been party to. What nearly every former partner of an INTJ fails to understand, is that our grieving process happens long before the snap of indifference hits.
We take our long term relationships very seriously, we don’t end them lightly and we typically only end them if we have met all ends and gathered enough data to determine that any further efforts to continue the relationship are futile.
The bottom line, and the most common reason one would ask these questions is because the former partner failed to acknowledge the grieving process the INTJ went through before coming to their conclusion.
9.995 times out of 10, the former partner starts caring only when the INTJ has come to the conclusion to move on. These are the kinds of mind games we live for. We adore these games so much that I believe most of us would rather lay directly in the path of an asphalt roller naked as our eyes roll far into the inner rings of Saturn. This is all assuming we still care, which we likely don’t. I wish I was joking.
You see, the INTJ recognizes the “beginning of the end” long before their partners do. Bear in mind I have personally never been in an INTJ/INTJ relationship, so I cannot speak to that. They will also make attempts to discuss their concerns with their partner, encourage changes, optimize the relationship, work on themselves to prevent an end and continue working at it for months and months and months.
Chances are, if you are losing your INTJ, they have been going through this particular process for quite some time as you flutter about your business in denial, not taking concerns seriously, not putting in any effort, assuming your INTJ partner is crazy and ignoring their efforts to keep the relationship strong.
Towards the end of this process, the INTJ starts to grieve internally and even openly, in some cases. We grieve because our partner is unwilling to put in the work. We see the end, and there is a period of time; sometimes a short period and sometimes longer before the indifference hits and we dive headfirst into ironing out the logistics of ending the relationship, which is typically a rather effortless process for us.
Once the INTJ has reached this point, their partner finally sees the reality and begins their grieving process. This includes begging the INTJ to take part in efforts they have already been offered to take part in for months (or years), and suddenly being interested in putting in the work.
By this time, it is too late.
Because the former partner is suddenly aware of the reality of the situation, and were blinded to the grieving on the INTJ side, the INTJ suddenly becomes the one that is cold, doesn’t care and is so easily “walking away”. I know. I swear as we INTJs age we stay single for longer and longer periods as a result of this BS, which we experience time and time again. I know for a fact it has been a very large contributor to my own selectiveness, which has become rather extreme this past decade.
So are INTJs cold? Do they not care? Can they easily walk away from relationships? My answer is no. Our loyalty will carry us to making all possible efforts in making a relationship work with someone we love. We understand that relationships are work, but it takes work from both sides to be successful. We can only handle one-sided efforts for so long before we get to a point where we no longer appear to care.
Do you have a chance at getting your INTJ back? Probably not. Once we make a decision to conclude a relationship, we don’t look back. I don’t, at least.
Also published on Medium.